Whether it's breastfeeding vs. formula feeding, cloth vs. disposable diapers, cosleeping vs. independent sleeping, or stay-at-home mom vs. working mom, it's inevitable that people find ways to judge each other in motherhood. Perhaps it is because we tend to define ourselves by our choices, that we tend to take these things so personally.
The judgmental attitudes begin even before we even officially become mothers, during pregnancy and birth. Pejorative rhetoric abounds in comment threads on internet articles and blog posts regarding birth issues such as midwifery, homebirth, VBAC, and high cesarean rates. One term that is often thrown around is selfish. It's "sefish" to try to avoid medical intervention `because it's putting your experience above the safety of the baby, it's "selfish" want pain relief because *that's* putting your experience above the baby's safety, it's "selfish" to want to avoid a c-section out of fear of surgery, it's "selfish" to opt for a c-section out of fear of damage to the vagina, it's "selfish" to have a homebirth because of the risks, it's "selfish" to schedule an elective induction because of the risks, it's "selfish" to go past 40 weeks, it's "selfish" to want a homebirth, it's "selfish" to want a care provider you know at your birth, it's "selfish" to want a VBAc...the list goes on.
The truth is that having a baby is one of the most unselfish things a woman can do. Women usually make their choices based on what they believe is best for their babies and for themselves. There are differences of opinion on what actually is the best choice, but it is never selfish for a woman to want to be involved in decisions that affect her and her baby. It is also not selfish to enjoy the process by which your baby comes into the world. Many women really enjoy natural childbirth and find it empowering and rewarding (and no one should automatically assume they are not one of these women). Other women choose to enjoy their birth using pain medication. I have given birth both ways, and enjoyed each in its own way. Neither was selfish.
Natural childbirthers are often accused of having elitist attitudes. They say that we think we are better than them because we had a natural birth, and seem to think that the only reason we did it was so that we could rub it in their faces that we are superior. Although I do see some of the elitist attitude, I feel our motives for sharing our stories are being misconstrued. It's not meant to be a "look at me, look at me, I'm so awesome because I had a natural birth and you didn't" thing. It's meant to be a "I did this, it was awesome for me, and it can be for you, too" thing. I think it just doesn't come across that way because of knee-jerk defensive reactions, which are then met by more defensiveness, and a bunch of angry name-calling ensues.
As natural childbirth advocates, we are sometimes guilty of labeling everyone who doesn't make the same choice as "uneducated about her options." This is not always true, and even in cases where it is, it is insulting. People don't often listen to things that people who insult them are trying to say. Women who seek to "advocate" for natural childbirth will not get anywhere with name-calling. The more we respond to insult with insult, the more everyone will be insulted. I would like to hope that we can rise above the petty "mommy wars" and share our experiences and information in ways that don't belittle, accuse, or insult.
Showing posts with label opening your mind. Show all posts
Showing posts with label opening your mind. Show all posts
Friday, June 4, 2010
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Spirituality of my Birth Experiences
Some blogs I read have mentioned the recent Lamaze press release, New Data Show Connection Between Childbirth and Spirituality. After my second birth, I was introduced to The Gift of Giving Life, a blog that explores the spirituality of childbirth in depth, and focuses primarily on women who are Latter-day Saints like me. I kind of thought that I didn't really have spiritual birth experiences because I didn't write about my births in a spiritual context when I wrote my birth stories, but with some more thought, I recognized that there were things about both that were very spiritually significant for me, and I'd like to write about them here.
I don't think I realized it at the time, but it is likely that the Lord led me on my quest of knowledge during my first pregnancy. The motto for BYU, the church-owned university I attended, is "The glory of God is intelligence" (from D&C 93:36). I believe that my desire to find greater knowledge and truth about birth was directed by the Spirit, since all light and truth come from God. Looking at it now, it's hard to see how the Lord could not be involved in such a drastic transformation.
My first birth itself had some very spiritual moments. I remember feeling kind of sad after the epidural was in because it wasn't what I planned, though I realize that, under the circumstances, it was really a blessing that I could get the epidural and get some rest. I listened to my iPod after I got the epidural, and chose at that time to listen to a collection of instrumental arrangements of hymns by Lex De Azevedo. I remember the soothing music giving me peace and helping me sleep despite my conflicted feelings about the situation. Because the birth took place on a Saturday at a small hospital, we got our pick of the rooms on the floor, and chose the one with a great view of the Mt. Timpanogos Temple. There are large windows in the maternity rooms, and the drapes were open when I gave birth at 9:52 pm and the temple was all lit up. I looked at the window while I held my daughter on my belly with the cord still attached, the delivery lights in the darkened room lit us up in the glass, and the temple glowed on the other side. I think it will be very special to tell my daughter that she was born under the glow of the temple.
I don't think I realized it at the time, but it is likely that the Lord led me on my quest of knowledge during my first pregnancy. The motto for BYU, the church-owned university I attended, is "The glory of God is intelligence" (from D&C 93:36). I believe that my desire to find greater knowledge and truth about birth was directed by the Spirit, since all light and truth come from God. Looking at it now, it's hard to see how the Lord could not be involved in such a drastic transformation.
My first birth itself had some very spiritual moments. I remember feeling kind of sad after the epidural was in because it wasn't what I planned, though I realize that, under the circumstances, it was really a blessing that I could get the epidural and get some rest. I listened to my iPod after I got the epidural, and chose at that time to listen to a collection of instrumental arrangements of hymns by Lex De Azevedo. I remember the soothing music giving me peace and helping me sleep despite my conflicted feelings about the situation. Because the birth took place on a Saturday at a small hospital, we got our pick of the rooms on the floor, and chose the one with a great view of the Mt. Timpanogos Temple. There are large windows in the maternity rooms, and the drapes were open when I gave birth at 9:52 pm and the temple was all lit up. I looked at the window while I held my daughter on my belly with the cord still attached, the delivery lights in the darkened room lit us up in the glass, and the temple glowed on the other side. I think it will be very special to tell my daughter that she was born under the glow of the temple.
Mt. Timpanogos Temple at night (source: wikipedea commons)
During my second pregnancy, I did some journaling, and in explaining why I wanted a natural birth, it came together to me that I feel that God designed the birth process with perfection, and that interference in the process causes trouble. I realized, while studying Hypnobabies, that the Lord has given us everything we need to create comfortable childbirth within our own minds and bodies. I found ways to tie the Hypnobabies philosophies in with my religious beliefs and even found some hymns that had the word "peace" (a cue used for comfort in Hypnobabies) in them. I thought it would be a nice option to have hymns to sing during my birthing time. I didn't end up doing that, but tying the hypnosis tools to a religious idea was good for me.
During my second birth, I did not think much about spiritual matters. I focused on listening to my Hypnobabies tracks and using my hypnosis techniques. For much of my first stage, I feel Hypnobabies helped the atmosphere be more reverent because it kept me calm. Second stage was very intense, but the sudden change from feeling overwhelmed by the intensity to the complete joy of having my baby in my hands and knowing I had done it was very similar to how some people describe spiritual events like conversion or repentance/forgiveness.
This passage from the Book of Mormon illustrates being "born again," which I think may be just as much like giving birth as it is like being born (the latter is something I'd like to explore more in a future post). I saw, in giving birth naturally, a metaphor for what it feels like when we allow Christ to take our burdens. Although I didn't recognize it at the time, this was something I learned a lot spiritually by experiencing.
I believe that all pregnancy and birth is spiritual. It involves working with God to bring a new soul into this life so that an individual can progress on the path to exaltation. It is the expanding of a family unit and, in the case of first births, it is the moment when people become parents. These are very spiritually significant things. I feel we can make birth more of a spiritual experience for us if we try, and I hope to do so even more with my future pregnancies and births.
During my second birth, I did not think much about spiritual matters. I focused on listening to my Hypnobabies tracks and using my hypnosis techniques. For much of my first stage, I feel Hypnobabies helped the atmosphere be more reverent because it kept me calm. Second stage was very intense, but the sudden change from feeling overwhelmed by the intensity to the complete joy of having my baby in my hands and knowing I had done it was very similar to how some people describe spiritual events like conversion or repentance/forgiveness.
17 And it came to pass that as I was thus aracked with torment, while I was bharrowed up by the cmemory of my many sins, behold, I dremembered also to have heard my father prophesy unto the people concerning the coming of one Jesus Christ, a Son of God, to atone for the sins of the world.20 And oh, what ajoy, and what marvelous light I did behold; yea, my soul was filled with joy as exceeding as was my pain!21 Yea, I say unto you, my son, that there could be nothing so exquisite and so bitter as were my pains. Yea, and again I say unto you, my son, that on the other hand, there can be nothing so exquisite and sweet as was my joy.
(Alma 36:17-20)
I believe that all pregnancy and birth is spiritual. It involves working with God to bring a new soul into this life so that an individual can progress on the path to exaltation. It is the expanding of a family unit and, in the case of first births, it is the moment when people become parents. These are very spiritually significant things. I feel we can make birth more of a spiritual experience for us if we try, and I hope to do so even more with my future pregnancies and births.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Birth and The Matrix
A few weeks ago the movie The Matrix was on TV, and my husband recorded it on our DVR. I did not see The Matrix until I could watch an edited version (because I don't watch R rated movies), but this was probably my third time seeing it, and it had been a while. Then there was a reference to The Matrix on by Dwight on The Office, and I realized that my blog title actually relates birth to this culturally significant movie.
The premise of the movie is about machines taking over the world and keeping all the humans "plugged in" to a computer program, "the matrix," so that they can use them as an energy source. The humans don't know they are in the matrix, they think it is the real world, but in reality, they are in some pod full of goo connected to a bunch of wires and tubes. When Keanu Reeve's character Neo takes the "red pill," he gets "unplugged" from the matrix and learns to see it for what it really is.
In edition to grossing us all out with the scene of a creepy mechanical bug crawling into Keanu Reeve's navel, The Matrix might actually teach us something about our birth culture. There are several parallels between this and our current birth system, which tends to benefit from keeping women uninformed and slotted neatly into their pre-arranged set up of wires and tubes--birth-by-machine, not machines that control the world, but it is about control. Most women see this as normal, as the way it is. I used to fall into that category. My own journey to natural childbirth was eye-opening in a way very similar to Neo's experience of learning the truth about the matrix in the film. And I, for one, am very glad I didn't take the blue pill.
Keep bending those spoons, ladies!
The premise of the movie is about machines taking over the world and keeping all the humans "plugged in" to a computer program, "the matrix," so that they can use them as an energy source. The humans don't know they are in the matrix, they think it is the real world, but in reality, they are in some pod full of goo connected to a bunch of wires and tubes. When Keanu Reeve's character Neo takes the "red pill," he gets "unplugged" from the matrix and learns to see it for what it really is.
In edition to grossing us all out with the scene of a creepy mechanical bug crawling into Keanu Reeve's navel, The Matrix might actually teach us something about our birth culture. There are several parallels between this and our current birth system, which tends to benefit from keeping women uninformed and slotted neatly into their pre-arranged set up of wires and tubes--birth-by-machine, not machines that control the world, but it is about control. Most women see this as normal, as the way it is. I used to fall into that category. My own journey to natural childbirth was eye-opening in a way very similar to Neo's experience of learning the truth about the matrix in the film. And I, for one, am very glad I didn't take the blue pill.
Keep bending those spoons, ladies!
Monday, April 12, 2010
My Journey to Natural Childbirth
Before I got pregnant with my first baby, what limited knowledge I had about birth led me to two conclusions: 1) birth is painful, but 2) there are drugs for it. I thought everyone got epidurals. I didn’t understand why anyone wouldn’t. I thought “why would you have pain when you don’t have to?” I certainly try to avoid pain whenever possible. I figured that if epidurals were as common as they seemed to be, they must be pretty safe. I thought an epidural would be the only way to make childbirth not be a completely horrible experience. I believed God must have created epidurals so that women wouldn’t have to suffer.
It's hard to say exactly what opened my mind to the idea of natural childbirth. A lot of it came from my experiences posting on online forums. The internet has a way of exposing people to new ideas. I discovered that people still do natural childbirth. I also went to a seminar at Babies 'R' Us by an instructor of the Mongan Method of HypnoBirthing talking about the theories behind hypnosis for childbirth and recruiting for her class. I decided that I could do natural childbirth.
Then I started reading. And reading and reading. One article that was important in my decision process was The Hidden Risks of Epidurals by Sarah J. Buckley. It showed me that epidurals were not as simple as I once thought. Also on my reading list were The Thinking Woman's Guide to a Better Birth by Henci Goer, Active Birth by Janet Balaskas, and Ina May's Guide to Childbirth by Ina May Gaskin.
All of this reading radically changed my point of view about childbirth. My new conclusions were: 1) God created birth as a beautiful and delicate process, 2) people interfering with that process unnecessarily can easily through it off track, leading to complications and a need for more interventions, and 3) women who plan for and accomplish natural childbirth often have wonderful and empowering experiences.
It's hard to say exactly what opened my mind to the idea of natural childbirth. A lot of it came from my experiences posting on online forums. The internet has a way of exposing people to new ideas. I discovered that people still do natural childbirth. I also went to a seminar at Babies 'R' Us by an instructor of the Mongan Method of HypnoBirthing talking about the theories behind hypnosis for childbirth and recruiting for her class. I decided that I could do natural childbirth.
Then I started reading. And reading and reading. One article that was important in my decision process was The Hidden Risks of Epidurals by Sarah J. Buckley. It showed me that epidurals were not as simple as I once thought. Also on my reading list were The Thinking Woman's Guide to a Better Birth by Henci Goer, Active Birth by Janet Balaskas, and Ina May's Guide to Childbirth by Ina May Gaskin.
All of this reading radically changed my point of view about childbirth. My new conclusions were: 1) God created birth as a beautiful and delicate process, 2) people interfering with that process unnecessarily can easily through it off track, leading to complications and a need for more interventions, and 3) women who plan for and accomplish natural childbirth often have wonderful and empowering experiences.
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