"Preaching to the choir" and what is in store for 2011

I have been online a lot more the past few days as my son has a fever, so I have spent a lot of time just holding him with my laptop open in front of me instead of cleaning or doing other things. I suspect the fever is a reaction to the Pneumococcal Vaccine (Pc, PCV, Prevnar) he received at his well-child visit on Dec. 30--it was his third time getting the Pc shot, and he didn't have a reaction the first two times, but reactions to Pc are very common, so I'm guessing it would be from that one and not the Hep B. He has been clingy and fussy the past few days, but no digestive or flu-like symptoms--kind of unusual. The fever is responding to acetaminophen, though.

But I see that taking more time away from the internet over the past month or so has been good for me in a lot of ways. I have been reminded of what Courtroom Mama wrote last summer in her call for submissions for the Crisis in the Crib blog carnival (which I participated in) about how time away from the internet can give you fresh perspectives.

I have been considering what the point is for writing this blog. I think, for the most part, blogs are read by same-thinking individuals, creating a "preaching to the choir" effect. What good am I doing if I find just the right words to express the way I feel if the only people who are reading it all feel exactly the same way, they just couldn't find the right words to say it? How much of what I say actually gets outside the circle of like-minded birth and parenting bloggers and onto the screens of women who actually need to read it? Who may actually consider options they hadn't considered before reading?

I would venture to say, not very much. This is why many of my posts in the past have focused not on proclaiming the message of the natural birth movement, but on turning our eyes on ourselves and discussing in what ways we are failing in our efforts to present our point of view effectively--tendencies towards things like name-calling, forgetting that others might see things from a different point of view, doctor-bashing, creating fear of medical interventions, and focusing too much on what choice is made rather than why it is made . I hope to have more posts like this in 2011. Because nobody is perfect the choir still needs preaching to, just a different message than what the congregation needs to hear.


Mormon Tabernacle Choir and Organ (Public Domain)

In 2011, I hope to write to the audience I have, rather than the one I'd really love to have, and perhaps I'll also try to find new ways to reach the people out there I'd love to reach. I also aim to write shorter posts, since they are more likely to be read, and to break up posts into multiple parts if they get too long.

(I was going to schedule this post for tomorrow, but I realized the date, and I wanted to post something on 1/11/11)

Spirituality of my Birth Experiences

Some blogs I read have mentioned the recent Lamaze press release, New Data Show Connection Between Childbirth and Spirituality. After my second birth, I was introduced to The Gift of Giving Life, a blog that explores the spirituality of childbirth in depth, and focuses primarily on women who are Latter-day Saints like me. I kind of thought that I didn't really have spiritual birth experiences because I didn't write about my births in a spiritual context when I wrote my birth stories, but with some more thought, I recognized that there were things about both that were very spiritually significant for me, and I'd like to write about them here.

I don't think I realized it at the time, but it is likely that the Lord led me on my quest of knowledge during my first pregnancy. The motto for BYU, the church-owned university I attended, is "The glory of God is intelligence" (from D&C 93:36). I believe that my desire to find greater knowledge and truth about birth was directed by the Spirit, since all light and truth come from God. Looking at it now, it's hard to see how the Lord could not be involved in such a drastic transformation.

My first birth itself had some very spiritual moments. I remember feeling kind of sad after the epidural was in because it wasn't what I planned, though I realize that, under the circumstances, it was really a blessing that I could get the epidural and get some rest. I listened to my iPod after I got the epidural, and chose at that time to listen to a collection of instrumental arrangements of hymns by Lex De Azevedo. I remember the soothing music giving me peace and helping me sleep despite my conflicted feelings about the situation. Because the birth took place on a Saturday at a small hospital, we got our pick of the rooms on the floor, and chose the one with a great view of the Mt. Timpanogos Temple. There are large windows in the maternity rooms, and the drapes were open when I gave birth at 9:52 pm and the temple was all lit up. I looked at the window while I held my daughter on my belly with the cord still attached, the delivery lights in the darkened room lit us up in the glass, and the temple glowed on the other side. I think it will be very special to tell my daughter that she was born under the glow of the temple.

Mt. Timpanogos Temple at night (source: wikipedea commons)

During my second pregnancy, I did some journaling, and in explaining why I wanted a natural birth, it came together to me that I feel that God designed the birth process with perfection, and that interference in the process causes trouble. I realized, while studying Hypnobabies, that the Lord has given us everything we need to create comfortable childbirth within our own minds and bodies. I found ways to tie the Hypnobabies philosophies in with my religious beliefs and even found some hymns that had the word "peace" (a cue used for comfort in Hypnobabies) in them. I thought it would be a nice option to have hymns to sing during my birthing time. I didn't end up doing that, but tying the hypnosis tools to a religious idea was good for me.

During my second birth, I did not think much about spiritual matters. I focused on listening to my Hypnobabies tracks and using my hypnosis techniques. For much of my first stage, I feel Hypnobabies helped the atmosphere be more reverent because it kept me calm. Second stage was very intense, but the sudden change from feeling overwhelmed by the intensity to the complete joy of having my baby in my hands and knowing I had done it was very similar to how some people describe spiritual events like conversion or repentance/forgiveness.

17 And it came to pass that as I was thus ^aracked with torment, while I was ^bharrowed up by the ^cmemory of my many sins, behold, I ^dremembered also to have heard my father prophesy unto the people concerning the coming of one Jesus Christ, a Son of God, to atone for the sins of the world.

18 Now, as my mind caught hold upon this thought, I cried within my heart: O Jesus, thou Son of God, ^ahave mercy on me, who am ^bin the ^cgall of bitterness, and am encircled about by the everlasting ^dchains of ^edeath.

19 And now, behold, when I thought this, I could remember my ^apains ^bno more; yea, I was harrowed up by the memory of my sins no more.

20 And oh, what ^ajoy, and what marvelous light I did behold; yea, my soul was filled with joy as exceeding as was my pain!

21 Yea, I say unto you, my son, that there could be nothing so exquisite and so bitter as were my pains. Yea, and again I say unto you, my son, that on the other hand, there can be nothing so exquisite and sweet as was my joy.
(Alma 36:17-20)

This passage from the Book of Mormon illustrates being "born again," which I think may be just as much like giving birth as it is like being born (the latter is something I'd like to explore more in a future post). I saw, in giving birth naturally, a metaphor for what it feels like when we allow Christ to take our burdens. Although I didn't recognize it at the time, this was something I learned a lot spiritually by experiencing.

I believe that all pregnancy and birth is spiritual. It involves working with God to bring a new soul into this life so that an individual can progress on the path to exaltation. It is the expanding of a family unit and, in the case of first births, it is the moment when people become parents. These are very spiritually significant things. I feel we can make birth more of a spiritual experience for us if we try, and I hope to do so even more with my future pregnancies and births.

Views of Birth Reflected in Mirrors

Beauty is eternity gazing at itself in a mirror. -Kahlil Gibran

I watched my first baby being born with a mirror. I felt like it helped me to see that my pushing was making progress, and I think felt a a little more connected with what was going on, despite my body being half-numb. I like watching babies emerge because I think it's amazing to see the divine design of the female body at work. I was not offered a mirror during my son's birth, but it didn't really matter because, being able to really feel it, him descending and crowning was very real--an intensity I couldn't possibly escape, even though I sort of wanted to at the time. But looking back on it, it was actually kind of cool. For me, birthing as connected as possible to the experience helped me appreciate my body and gave me confidence in my strength.

Recently I was telling a group of women about how my doctor had waited for spontaneous rupture of membranes at my son's birth (my water broke when I had only a lip of cervix left) and I mentioned how sometimes babies are born "in the caul" (with membranes intact), and I said I'd seen a video of it and it was really cool. One woman, who chose epidurals for the births of all the children she's had so far, said that she had never seen a birth video showing a baby emerging before and she doesn't want to see what it looks like, at least not until she is done having children herself. She said that declines to use a mirror when it is offered during the second stage. My friend explained that she deliberately distances herself from what is happening to her body--she doesn't want to know. She even said that it is because she has the epidural and can't feel what is happening that she disconnects herself from it, and that if she were to have an unmediated birth, she might not feel the same way about it. She also admitted that she may be making what happens worse in her mind than it actually is.

This woman's words taught me that although epidurals don't usually result in a "drugged" feeling like that reported by some women who take narcotics during birthing, the drugs don't actually have to affect your mind to cause a state of mental numbness. Being numb and disconnected from the experience must drain birth of some of the best parts of it. Numbness is all on one level, while the process of natural birthing has highs and lows.

When reflecting upon this conversation, I remembered another conversation I had with different group of women, about 4 years ago, before my first pregnancy when my husband and I were newlyweds. I had done no personal research into the subject of birth outside of maybe watching TLCs "A Baby Story." I realize that this conversation may actually have shaped a lot of my original perceptions about childbirth, which I discussed in my previous post, My Journey to Natural Childbirth. I remembered a woman in this group also saying she declined to use a mirror during her child's birth, that she did not want to see it happening. She had an epidural and trusted that the episiotomy her doctor performed was necessary. I also remember her saying that she was afraid of giving birth at first, but she explained that by the end of her pregnancy she was so miserable the idea of giving birth "didn't seem so bad."

These two conversations, which both mentioned not using mirrors during pushing, about 4 years apart and with women in 2 different states, reflected very similar views of birth--the view that birth is a "necessary evil"--something no one really wants to experience, but must because the baby has to come out somehow. This idea that the act of giving birth is undesirable would support withdrawing from it as much as possible, physically and emotionally. The view of birth as a medical procedure fits with this idea--it is justified to be squeamish about a medical procedure like surgery--I know I wouldn't want to know what was happening to me during surgery, and I avoid watching surgery on TV. I think our medical establishment has actually influenced us to think of birth, even if it is vaginal, as something like surgery. This may explain where the very small population of women opt for true maternal request cesareans are coming from, whether they give birth vaginally or surgically doesn't matter, because there really isn't much difference between a cesarean and a birth-by-machine. Medicalization of birth makes it scary, removes it from the realm of things women are expected to know about, and makes it something it is okay to be removed from.

If, however, we think of birth as a normal, natural process, then it makes sense that women might want to see it. Midwife Ina May Gaskin has suggested that we need to see images of other women birthing before doing it ourselves in order to know what our bodies are capable of and not be afraid. The woman who shared her experience 4 years ago has no idea what her body is capable of--she neither felt nor saw her baby come out of her and the doctor who performed her episiotmy sent her the message that her body is not capable of naturally stretching to allow a baby to pass through. These numb and mirror-less births, were the baby comes out of the mother's body without her really experiencing it, perpetuate the fear of birth because it remains an "unknown" to women, even those who have done it, and it is normal to fear the unknown.

Perhaps women's attitudes about mirrors in birth reflect back to us the truth about what the birth experience means to them?