No Longer Just About Me

Last week, I saw the cutest thing in my backyard.  My 2 year-old son was pushing a toy shopping cart across the backyard, and every now and then, he would stop, and pretend to pull a string out of it.

I took a picture, but he was a little far away.

You see, now that we have moved to a new state and become homeowners, my husband now has the responsibility of mowing the lawn.  For some reason, children are fascinated by lawnmowers and love to watch.  As I saw my son with the shopping cart, I realized he was pretending to mow the lawn, just like his daddy.

He fell asleep pretending to play video games like Daddy :)

I have been doing some things to really work on improving myself.  A lot of work on finding more peace and strength within myself, while drawing closer to God and trying to become more like Him.  I will share more details about the specifics of that in another post.  But suffice it to say, becoming a better person has been a major focus on my mind the last 2-3 weeks.

A few days ago, I was vacuuming my living room and slipped into that place of deep thought, where some profound ideas came together for me.  When I was single, the focus of my life was on myself.  Improving my life used to be about me, because I wanted to be better, for myself.  Of course, I still do.  But becoming better has a new, higher, more selfless purpose now.  When I became a parent, the focus of my life shifted to my kids.  That day, the breath and depth of that shift sank in with the words...

Not even improving myself is just about me anymore.

Our children want to be like us.  That is why my son enjoys pretending to mow the lawn--because he wants to do what Daddy does.  Really, a huge part of parenting is being a good example, because what they see me do speaks so much louder than anything I could ever say to them.  And so, anything I do to become better will give them a better example to emulate.  Even becoming a better person is not just about me now.  The better example I can be, the better foundation they will have to jump from as adults in improving themselves, and the lives they touch.  My life is no longer just about me.  It is so much bigger than me.

Book Review: The Gift of Giving Life

This book review is a stop on the Virtual Book Tour for The Gift of Giving Life

Two weeks ago, I received a package I have been anticipating for over two years, ever since Sheridan told me about Felice's blog and the book project they were working on.  I had been blessed to have an opportunity to contribute an essay and a birth story to the book, The Gift of Giving Life, and I was excited to see how the whole thing came together and what I would learn from reading the final product.  I was not disappointed.  In fact, I think the book exceeded my expectations.

The Gift of Giving Life is like the Latter-day Saint version of Ina May's Guide to Childbirth, with essays on important topics about pregnancy, birth and spirituality, interspersed with stories that illustrate the points of the essays, in LDS women's own voices.  Chapters include Our Legacy, The Importance of Giving Life, Personal Revelation, Preparation, The Spirit-Mind-Body Connection, and Unity.

The stories contained in the book span a myriad of experiences.  No matter what situation a woman may find herself in, there is something in the book for her.  It becomes clear in reading that there is no one correct path for all women, and the Lord can guide us each on our individual journey.  There are stories of infertility, pregnancy loss, adoption, cesareans, epidural births, unmedicated hospital births, and homebirths, as well as some postpartum stories.  There are even stories on birthing as a sexual abuse survivor and one on healing spiritually after an abortion.

As I was reading, I tried to imagine how I would feel reading this book in my first pregnancy.  I do think it would have changed the way I approached my first birth.  However, as I read on, I found myself healed by the recognition that the Lord gives us our experiences because they are what we need to grow and become more like Him.  Really grasping that my experiences in childbearing have been exactly what I needed for my spiritual development gave me so much peace and helped let go of some disappointment I have held on to from my first two births.

This book is not just for pregnant women or women who have recently given birth.  It is a book about the divine nature of women.  It is for anyone who wants to better understand the power women have as givers of life.  We are not just givers of life through gestating and birthing children, but also through all types of physical and spiritual nurturing and sacrifice for others.  There is much we can learn about divinity and the purposes of life from reflecting on our powerfully significant experiences in being "co-creators with God" and bringing a child from one world to the next, and from darkness into light.  The Gift of Giving Life beautifully enumerates many of those insights.  In addition to learning some wonderful things I want to keep in mind if/when we have another baby, I also learned much that will help me fulfill other parts of my divine mission as a woman, give me greater peace and joy in mothering, and nurture all those around me.

For Latter-day Saint Women currently pregnant or planning a pregnancy, The Gift of Giving Life is a must-read, but I would recommend it for any one who will ever has been or ever will be pregnant, or who loves some one who will, and who better wants to understand the experience in the context of LDS faith and doctrine.  I would also recommend it for birth workers who want to learn how they can support LDS families in their sacred birth journeys.

Visit The Gift of Giving Life website to sign up for their newsletter and to receive a free Meditation MP3 as well as tips to help increase spirituality in your pregnancy and birth.

For my readers I have a coupon code for 10% off a copy of The Gift of Giving Life. Click here and after you add the book to your cart, use this coupon code: GWFWXR3F.  This code is good until Father’s Day 2012.

The Broken Water/Broken Body Myth: How My Third Birth Was Different from My First

In both my first birth and my third, I experienced PROM, premature rupture of membranes.  Premature because it was before active birthing started, not that the babies were early--that would have been PPROM (preterm premature rupture of membranes).  Confusing terminology, I know.

My first birth was a planned hospital birth with CNMs. I noticed a leaking sensation on Thursday morning, but was not diagnosed with ruptured membranse until Saturday morning.  There are two tests that check for the presence of amniotic fluid, nitrazine paper and a ferning test.  Nitrazine paper is used to check the pH of the fluid to find out if it is amniotic fluid, since amniotic fluid is much more basic than the more acidic normal vaginal secretions.  The paper turns blue if amniotic fluid is present.  The ferning test is done but taking a swab behind the cervix  and putting it on a microscope slide.  Amniotic fluid forms "ferns" on the slide.  Other vaginal secretions do not (except for the fertile cervical fluid a woman produces during ovulation, which will not be present during pregnancy).  I had both the nitrazine test and ferning test on Thursday at my midwife appointment.  Both were negative, but I believe the fluid was leaking so slowly that the tests missed it.  I also had a nitrazine test at the hospital on Friday at 2:00 am, after waking to a leaking sensation and some pressure waves, and it also was negative.  I went back to the hospital on Saturday after those pressure waves kept me up all night (I was making some progress, but very slowly at this point), and the leak was discovered.  I was given 6 hours from the discovery of the leaking to show significant progress.  After a lot of walking the halls, nothing happened.  My water got broken completely and I was put on pitocin, and my baby was born 9 hours later, after an epidural 3 hours in.

After something happens to one, one often goes on to learn a lot about it.  It is obvious that infection is more likely without the the protective barrier of the amniotic sac.  However, there is some evidence that expectant management without vaginal exams does not result in poorer outcomes than the standard route of induction (which usually includes quite a few vaginal exams). 

Fast forward to four years later: same woman, different baby, planned homebirth with a Washington State Licensed midwife team.  My waters broke with small gushes all day on a Wednesday morning.  I had pressure waves off an on for 34 hours, but was able to sleep some during the night thanks to Hypnobabies.  Instead of constantly checking my cervix for progress, the midwife had me rinse with hibiclens after every bathroom trip to reduce the risk of infection, had me watching my temp and the baby's heartrate, and waited.  Movements I did that (I believe) helped to position my baby better in my pelvis triggered spontaneous active birthing, and I had a completely drug-free waterbirth at home 5 hours later on Thursday night.  I had not one single vaginal exam the whole time.

I find it interesting to compare my two stories because the circumstances were so similar, but the course of the births was so different with different care providers and a different place of birth.

Five Things I Want my Daughters to Know Before They Grow Up

 Before my daughters start puberty, I want to have taught them an understanding of these five truths.

1. Your Body is Awesome, and Will Change In Ways That Give it Power to Do Even More Awesome Things
I loved this post Lani wrote for The Gift of Giving Life Blog on menstruation, Red and Powerful. I had mixed emotions about starting my period when I was 12. I understood that it meant I was growing up and looked to it with a kind of curious anticipation. But I was also influenced by some negative cultural perceptions that said it was a burden. I was embarrassed to tell my mom, though I don't know exactly why, and when I told her and she told me that was wonderful, I didn't really understand what was "wonderful" about it. I want menarche to be celebrated for my girls, maybe not with a party, but a special mom and daughter day out or something. I want them to understand that (and how) menstruation means fertility, and fertility is so powerful.

2. Sex is Sacred, So We Don't Talk About it With Everyone, but Your Parents are People You Can Always ask Questions about Sex

wishing on a dandelion with my older daughter

This post from the marital intimacy blog, Be One, Miss Rain's Moment of Truth tells the story of a mother who felt inspired to talk to her 7 year old daughter about how babies are made one night, and the beautiful conversation that followed. It turns out a friend had said something to her about it ar school a few days before. I hope to be able to talk to my daughters with the same sensitive honesty that this mother showed. All the things discussed here are just exactly as I would want my girls to understand them at about that age.

3. Sex is Extremely Powerful, a Power That Can Be Used For Amazing Good or Terrible Destruction
I don't remember my parents talking to me much directly about sex.  I think they did teach me, but not always in ways I remember concretely.  I remember "the talk" being kind of awkward, though I think they timed it right because I really had no idea about the mechanical details when they told me. But between their teaching and young women and EFY lessons, I must have picked up the most important parts, because around the time I graduated from high school, I wrote this beautiful poem about what what I wanted the day of my wedding to be like. I wrote a lot of (mostly bad) poetry in my teen years, but I think this may be one of the best...

Love and passion flowing free--

Silent tongues sing in ecstasy.

Hands clasp on to what they've found.

Hearts live for another's sound.

Young eyes sparkle, old one's cry.

Loving parents say goodbye.

As both the product and the source

Of Love follows similar course.

More than objects of desire

Consumed by wild passion's fire

Entering the Holy Gate--

Blessed is the choice to wait.

Today is giv'n the guarded gift.

To new heights a Love will lift.

As the flesh is intertwined,

Two souls are forever joined.

I think some of this I figured out for myself. About five months before I wrote this, I had my first kiss. (I suppose some would cosider 17 old for a first kiss and some young...). About a month after it, that relationship ended, his decision, not mine. As you can imagine, it was a painful break up for me (there was an abundance of bad poetry written about it). I realized that if it was that painful to have given a few kisses to a guy and then have it be over, how much more painful would it be to give someone your whole body in an act of love that I believe is meant to bind people together forever and then have them leave you? It just seemed like it would be incredibly painful to me.

I don't want my girls to feel that sex is "bad," but to understand it is a sacred power that is really, really good when used the right way, but harmful when misused.

4. Dressing Modestly is About YOU, Not about Keeping Other People's Thought's Clean

My Beautiful Girls

I want my girls to understand that the cleanliness of other people's thoughts is not their responsibility.  The choice for a woman to dress modestly is a choice to show respect for her body and its power.  She keep its divine power concealed, except for under the right circumstances.  Heather's post Getting Adam to Partake shares the beautiful insights she learned about modesty from her Muslim friends.

5. "You Are Capable of So Much More Than Being Looked At"
This is one of the messages from Beauty Redefined's billboard campaign.  I want my girls to understand all the things Lindsay and Lexie talk about on their blog.  I want them to recognize and reject all the harmful messages about women in the media and to see "beauty" as so much more than just "sex appeal."  I want them to know that beauty includes who they are and all the wonderful things they can do!

* dandelion photo by  J.C. Photography Utah

The Trap of Idealizing the Quiet Birther (Part 3)

Last April, I wrote a short Birth Idealization Traps series.  I would actually like to continue that series now, with  some new perspective on The Trap of Idealizing the Quiet Birther (Click to read Part 1 and Part 2) that I gained from my third birth.

In my third birth, my midwives acted as lifeguards, watching carefully (using some technology as tools to assist in watching) to make sure nothing pathological was happening, and encouraging me to do some preventative measures due to the risk factor of pre-labor rupture of membranes.  Because of PROM, risk of infection was a good reason to limit/avoid cervical checks, and it turns out that there wasn't any reason to do them. 

My midwives saw no need to check to "make sure I was complete" before pushing.  They encouraged me to follow my instincts and push only when I had no other choice but to push.  I instinctively bore down at the peaks of the pressure waves for a while, until I felt an unmistakable urge to push.  "Urge" isn't even the right word.  "Takeover" describes it better.  I couldn't do anything but push.

Like I suspected when I wrote my other two posts, during my third birth, I was, in fact, a very vocal pusher.  Unlike in my second birth, I was not told to hold my breath and put my chin to my chest to push.  In following my instincts, I did not hold my breath or curl my head forward.  I opened my mouth and let sound escape my body, and boy, did it!  Watching the video now, I am even a little surprised with how loud I was.  I have some technical difficulties with my digital camcorder (I think I need software to load the video, but I must have lost the CD), so I don't have the video to share, but believe me when I say I was LOUD. And no, I was not screaming in pain.  Hypnobabies was absolutely working for me.  There may have been some pain when I lost my rhythm in reaction to changes in how things felt as my body first began pushing, but I experienced the sensations of my baby emerging as mostly stretching and fullness, and  I did not experience burning or a "ring of fire" sensation at crowning.  It was really like I couldn't help making noise.  It was what came naturally to me, and I wouldn't change a thing about it.  

144 Capsules of Awesome (or, What I Did With My Placenta)

This post contains "graphic" images of a human placenta, as well as discussion of the ingestion of placenta.  If you don't want to read about these things, then don't read it.  If you still choose to read it, then you can't say I didn't warn you...

I intentionally made the first picture of this post benign-looking for the purpose of thumbnails, on facebook etc, and to avoid shocking those who may stumble upon this post who actually don't want to see the graphic photos.
This is the lid of the jar from my placenta pills.

Lets begin with some interesting things about this placenta.  It was on the large size, as placenta's go.  Here is a picture of the fetal side, with the umbilical cord branching into a "Tree of Life"

Placenta: Fetal Side

Placenta: Maternal side

What is different about this placenta was the maternal side.  It was more...lumpy than normal.  I don't know the correct scientific words to describe this phenomenon.  It was all divided up into separate pieces.  

One possible explanation I heard for this is that it could be nutrition-related and that it is usually associated with small babies.  My daughter, though not really small, at 6 lbs 11 oz, was a whole 15 oz lighter than her brother, my biggest.   She has put on weight really quick, though.  She's 11 lbs 9 oz at 2 months!

Another unsual thing was my baby's umbilical cord, which I didn't get a picture of.  She had a short cord, so short that the only way I could hold her in the water with the cord attached was right against mychest.

Placenta: Maternal Side, another view

The midwives noticed a small gush of blood in the water as the baby was born, and they also said said that her cord did not pulse as long as they typically do.  They think they discovered why when they examined the cord later.  The cord appeared to be damaged. It had three spots, right near each other, where the Wharton's jelly was missing.  They think this damage must have been what caused the blood and the shorter pulsing time.  They said that they had only seen one other cord like that, which was also a short cord, and those spots were right around where the cord had snapped in two as that baby was being born.

So, on to what I did with the placenta.  When I first heard of placentophagy, I thought it was totally gross.  I thought burying it under a tree might be more my style.  But then I had depression in my pregnancy, and wanted to do anything I could to avoid having it postpartum as well.  Although I was hesitant to do something with so little human research evidence, the logic behind it made sense to me and I figured that I didn't really have anything to loose.  Human placenta pills have been used in Traditional Chinese Medicine for thousands of years.  I have a friend who is also a doula and childbirth educator, who recently started training to become a midwife.  And she's a placenta encapsulation specialist.

"After" Picture

My husband heard me tell the midwives that I was considering having this friend encapsulate my placenta, and he asked me why I had to be so weird.  He feels having a homebirth is weird enough, why do I have to go doing things like eating placenta? (Yes, he still thinks homebirth is weird, even after catching our daughter in a plastic pool in our bedroom.  Still thinks its weird, but understands why I prefer it.)

My friend came by about a week after the baby was born to prepare the placenta.  The process is pretty simple.  I watched and we chatted about the birth.  She stuffed the membranes with lemon, ginger, and jalapeno (in attempt to negate the post-pill burp issue) and steamed the placenta (steaming causes it to shrink considerably).

Next, she removed the membranes and diced it up and put it on a foil-lined cookie sheet, which she put in the oven set at the lowest temperature.  She told me to check it after about 8 hours to see if the pieces easily snapped in half, and then to turn it off.  She came the next day to grind it and put it into capsules.  It became 144 placenta pills.

I do believe that taking the pills during the first month postpartum was helpful for me, if nothing else but to increase my iron levels (as I was anemic during pregnancy).  I have had really good postpartum experience, but I've never had issues with feeling depressed after my other births (only ever had a problem during this pregnancy), so it may have nothing to do with the placenta, but I think it has helped at least some.  I take them occasionally now when I feel run down or emotional, and it could be placebo, but it seems to help.  I still have quite a few left.  I have no regrets about doing it.

Between Worlds: A Birth Story, Part 3

When we left me, I was kneeling on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth. I was still needing to find a comfortable position. We tried putting a stack of pillows on the floor so I could kneel leaning forward on the bed, but that didn't work for me either. Kim suggested I get on the bed and lean forward on the birth ball. That position was perfect. I used the ball to help me rock, sometimes back and forth, sometimes side to side. I started saying "peace" out loud during the pressure waves. Kim said that when I had gotten off the birth ball, the waves had suddenly gone from about 6 minutes apart to 3 minutes apart. They also let me know that Lorri was in about 25 minutes away, and Kristin was coming and bringing the assistant, Kelly, who was a nurse. I felt some strange sensations above my pubic bone--I wonder if it was the baby's head rotating or moving down. I suddenly wanted my t-shirt and pajama pants off, so I took them off, and was wearing my swimsuit top (which I had put on under my shirt after my shower that morning) and some mesh panties I found in my birth kit. Then, I sat up on the bed. It seems like a strange choice of position, but it was really comfortable at the time.

My midwife Lorri arrived. She said she would check my vitals before I got in the tub and went to get supplies. I got off the bed to go to the bathroom and then Lorri came back and took my blood pressure and temperature, and listened to the baby’s heartbeat, and all was well. I got in the tub. The tub was big and deep and I loved how I could get into all different positions in it. I took off my headphones and we played Hypnobabies out loud because I didn’t want to accidently get anything wet that wasn’t supposed to get wet. I reminded my team about the video camera, and my husband filmed me in the tub, including one pressure wave, and then went out of the bedroom and filmed the other people in the house The water in the tub was pretty hot, but I like hot water, so I didn’t really mind, until I had a few pressure waves in the tub and got really hot during them. Kim brought me a cold washcloth to put on my neck to keep me cool, but eventually I just had to get out. I think I went to the bathroom again, and then I was leaning on the side of the tub during a wave and I felt the need to yell at the peak of it. Lorri heard this, and came in. I told her I thought I was feeling pushy. She said to just try to let my body do most of the work and only push when I couldn’t help it. She asked if the water was too hot and I said yes, so she and my husband dumped in a few bowlfuls of cold water. I got back in and the temperature was much better.

Kim was filming now, and my husband knelt near the tubKristin and Kelly must have arrived around this time and came into the room and set stuff up. They were behind me and very unobtrusive. I remember turning around to make sure they were there a few times, because I guess knowing they were there was reassuring for me.

I remember reading once that in some tradition somewhere (I can't remember where), the birthing woman is thought to have to travel to the underworld to claim her baby. The beginning of pushing was definitely the most challenging part for me. Feeling that much power moving through my body was overwhelming, and I didn't quite know how to respond to it. At the peaks of the waves, when I couldn’t help pushing, I would vocalize loudly, because that seemed like the best way to release that intensity. I changed positions a lot, and loved the ease of movement in the water. I usually knelt low in the tub or was on all fours between the waves, and often during them, I had to go to a high kneel and throw my arms around my husband. He gave me Hypnobabies cues which helped me relax better. I remember apologizing for getting him wet. At one point, I was on hands and knees and lowered my face so close to the water that my bangs got wet.

Soon, I felt the baby’s head coming down and I said something like, “The baby is coming out! The baby is coming out!” It was almost like I didn't really expect the intense part to actually end, but the baby moving down meant it was definitely going to. Lorri, who was next to the tub on my left, turned to my husband and asked if he wanted to catch his baby, and he must have said he would because she started giving him instructions on how to do it. I switched from kneeling to a deep squat. With the next wave, pushing just happened. I roared, and the head became visible. I remember saying something about how excited I was that we were almost there. As the head crowned, I leaned back, letting my legs float forward in the water and my head rest against the edge of the tub, supporting myself with only my arms and head, while the rest of me floated. With the next wave, the head was out, and with the one after that, I eased the shoulders out, and out came our baby at 8:39 pm!

My husband lifted the baby out of the water, and I sat down in the tub and took my baby into my arms. He looked to see if it was a boy or girl, and exclaimed, “It’s a girl!” I was shocked because I had myslef convinced it was a boy! She gave a small cry and then got quiet and looked around.

My mom brought our two older kids in. It was neat for them to get to meet her so soon after she was born. Our son, who is 21 months, was a little more interested in the water, though, and put his hand in it (someone washed his hands), and he wanted to take his pajamas off and get in, too, but we didn't let him. The cord was short, so I was limited to holding her against me with her head on my chest, just out of the water. Lorri encouraged me to talk to the baby, so I babbled to her about all kinds of things as we waited for the placenta.

I had to push pretty hard to get the placenta out, and the membranes were trailing and full of clots. Then my husband cut the cord and Kristin helped me get out of the water and into the bed with the baby and then the baby had her first nursing. No one but me held her for over an hour after the birth. It was so peaceful and wonderful. When we weighed and measured the baby, she was 6 lbs 11 oz and 20 inches long. And perfect.


I was amazed at how minimal the damage to my body was. I didn’t tear with my second birth either, but this was even better. My vulva wasn’t even swollen and the little bit of soreness I had went away in a few days. I think it was mostly because I did mother-directed pushing this time and because the water acts as a big warm compress.

One of the names we gave our new daughter is shared with my mother-in-law’s sister, who passed away a few days later, in my mother-in-laws arms, soon after she arrived at her bedside. I am struck with the similarities between their transitions, one into, the other out of this world. I am so blessed to have been able to give my daughter a transition into this world that was gentle and loving as well as safe. Perhaps when we come out on the other side, we will be gently lifted into peace and parental love.

End? No, the journey doesn't end here. Death is just another path, one that we all must take. The grey rain-curtain of this world rolls back, and all turns to silver glass, and then you see it . . . White shores, and beyond, a far green country under a swift sunrise. -Gandalf the White, Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King (film version)